*** Disclaimer: Please note that in no case am I suggesting that you DO NOT follow the recommendation of your doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist. Continue taking your prescriptions, visiting your doctor as prescribed, and following your medical therapeutic recovery plan! ***
To get started with this article, let’s consider the mental disorder named Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia patients have been reported to hear voices that are often negative, leading them on several occasions to take actions that they would have otherwise never taken.
A very good definition of Schizophrenia can be found in an article written by the Treatment Advocacy Center:
“Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe neurological brain disorder estimated in 2014 to affect 1.1 percent of the population or approximately 2.6 million adults in the United States aged 18 or older. An estimated 40 percent of individuals with the condition are untreated in any given year” http://(https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/evidence-and-research/learn-more-about/25-schizophrenia-fact-sheet)
2.2 million of adults in the US population is quite a significant number of
people. In addition, the following statistics provide more interesting facts about the disorder:
“Individuals with schizophrenia die at a younger age than do healthy people. Males have a 5.1 greater than expected early mortality rate than the general population, and females have a 5.6 greater risk of early death. Suicide is the single largest contributor to this excess mortality rate, which is 10 to 13 percent higher in schizophrenia than the general population.
Suicide is in fact the number one cause of premature death among people with schizophrenia, with an estimated 10 percent to 13 percent killing themselves. The extreme depression and psychoses that can result due to lack of treatment are the usual culprits in these sad cases.”
Now, imagine for a second that you all of a sudden, out of nowhere, start hearing multiple voices in the form of whispers. From my personal experience, the voices actually sound quite real, as if they were coming from people who were standing next to you. The only issue is that you are unable to see them.
The voices in my particular case were telling me that I was better off just ending my life so I can finally find peace, that life was not worth living and that it was all hopeless. Death became quite attractive and appealing and at that time, the only possible and logical way out. Especially when I was desperately trying to just find peace in my mind and get rid of the voices that were running though my head 24/7. Worst yet, in case your depression is linked to a specific incident in your life like mine was, the voices will go about playing some of the worst scenarios of that particular incident based on what you fear the most. As a result, your torment increases even more as you not only have to worry about the voices but also a “hypothetical future” in which your worst-case scenarios play out. During that time and the state of mind I was in, it however all sounded very real.
Sleepless nights became the norm and sleeping pills did very little to help. Even after taking sleeping pills I was only able to sleep for 1-2 hours max if I was lucky. One thing I learned is that mental torment is even worse than physical torment because you can overcome physical torment with the power of your mind and humans tend to adapt and adjust to life circumstances. However, if your mind is defeated that means that you have already lost the battle.
One of the not so fun aspect of depression is the complete isolation. You always feel so alone though your loved ones are all around you and close by. Nothing no one says to encourage you truly helps and once they leave or you hang up the phone, you are back in that little personal hell and torment by yourself. The complete sense of hopelessness and emptiness you feel as nothing including life itself no longer has meaning only makes thing even worst. Getting out of bed to do anything becomes a monumental task as you are depleted of any drive or self-motivation. You become a walking a zombie, dead man/woman walking while going through the motions of work, family, etc. daily. Not to forget about the façade of happiness you must put with in front of your loved ones especially when they are rooting for, loving, and supporting you. Reality is, nothing can get throughout to you. Nothing.
An article of the WeryWellMind blog provides what I think is a very good description of the voices that are heard during depression as also found in Schizophrenia patients:
“Auditory hallucinations, or hearing voices, is a common symptom in people living with schizophrenia. In fact, an estimated 60 to 90 percent of people with schizophrenia hear voices. These voices can call your name, argue with you, threaten you, come from inside your head or via outside sources, and can begin suddenly and grow stronger over time.”
https://www.verywellmind.com/hearing-voices-in-schizophrenia-2953099
VOICES!
MANY VOICES!
As I previously explained, the voices that I heard during my depression ran through the worst scenarios of the event that initially led me into depression based on what I feared the most. During depression, you fear gets magnified and outrageous scenarios that are not real become quite vivid in your mind. My mind back then will be worried and running by the seconds and I would be thinking: “if this happen what will I do?”, or “if this really ends up happening, how will I live with myself?”.
My depression went out for weeks, months.
See by nature I am very resilient and a fighter. I consider myself to be strong as I have been through a lot so my attitude in life has always been that this too shall pass. As a result when my depression started, I did not even realize that it was a depression and brushed it under the rug. In hindsight, my biggest mistake was failing to remove myself from the situation that occurred in my life and that led me into depression. Instead I wanted to be all “cool” and “strong” about it though all my close friends at that time were advising me to isolate myself from the situation for the time being. Yet I still failed to heed to their advice. Doing this would have tremendously helped.
A lesson for you the reader is that if anything happens in your life, an incident during which especially people whom you love and are close to are hurting you or you perceive are hurting you, take some personal time out. Regardless of how they are perceiving the situation on their sides, voice your concerns if you can but definitely remove yourself completely from the situation until you have things sorted out in your mind and your feelings are settled. This is regardless of how long you have known them including family members. Remove yourself from the situation until you feel better about it. Do not try to “toughen” it up because you are trying not to make them uncomfortable or create awkwardness. Sometimes, that space is what will help you heal and even save your life and sanity. Just don’t hold grudges, they will eat you away. Not worth it!
Now the question is how did I get healed from my depression? I will advise you to go grab a seat if you are not seating yet. This is going to shake you to the core.
As weeks passed by during my depression, I finally reached the point when I was looking for “subtle” ways to end my life “accidentally”. See, I came from a “Christian” “ish” family background (I use this term “Christian” very, very loosely here) but never cared really to live the Christian lifestyle. One thing I do remember however at that time is that killing oneself in Christianity will automatically send you to hell. As a result, openly taking my own life was not an option. But letting go of my steering wheel while driving so “something” may “accidentally” happen, or not “paying” attention when crossing the road to cause something to “accidentally” happen were better options.
After few weeks of trying these and nothing happening, I finally decided to commit myself to an asylum and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist to keep myself alive. By then my brothers and a close friend of mine were taking turns calling me throughout the days and nights to make sure that I was still alive for fear that I will succumb to the voices and really go through with taking my own life.
Then something told me to do something that saved my life! I set up an appointment but never went to see the psychiatrist or never had the chance to actually commit myself to an asylum.
I will see you in (PART II)
*** Disclaimer: Please note that in no case am I suggesting that you DO NOT follow the recommendation of your doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist. Continue taking your prescriptions, visiting your doctor as prescribed, and following your medical therapeutic recovery plan! ***